Injurious Behaviour

I had more than a little giggle this morning at the mishap of a friend of a friend during her bathtime. It got me thinking that girl mishaps are so funny. Men can take the biscuit too but for some reason women manage to do things properly with just the right amount of embarrassment to make it hilarious and legendary. 

Roxanne got into her bath; and one can only assume she had locked out all small people demanding and fussing, forgetting that her last foray into the bathroom had been to dress a banged up knee and the bottle of gentian violet was still on the edge of the bath. Unnoticed, this bottle dropped into the bath and dyed Roxanne from head to toe, a delicious shade of blue.  It takes a good four to five days for gentian violet to wash off. And Roxanne is now Smurfette.

I have legendary cooking mishaps. On one particularly off night, I produced home made pasta with a flourish for one of my directors who had graced us with his presence. The pasta I was so proud of was so stodgy it came out of the bowl in one great lump on the end of the serving spoon. So we sliced it like polenta and tried to be polite. But the funniest story I ever heard was my mother's friend, Marialena , who was running late for a very posh do and got herself in a twist quite literally.

Marialena is a drop dead gorgeous Greek goddess, tall, olive skinned, svelte and with a mop of to die for hair that is her crowning glory. And she is pretty. And clever. So picture the scene. She decides after she has dressed in her evening frock, complete with stockings and killer stiletto heels, that she needs to fix her nails, one of which has broken.

Not an issue. She stands in the bathroom and prepares to stick a false nail over her broken nail and here comes the rub. She opens the nail glue and sets the false nail on the edge of the basin. Then she pops a drop of the nail glue on the nail and picks the nail up. She now has the glue bottle, lidless, in her one hand and the glued false nail in the other. So she holds the glued nail in her lips while she shuts the glue bottle and puts it down, only to discover she has now glued the nail to her own lips, and her lips shut. The chaos that ensued involved her ever loving husband Mike, falling about laughing, some small amount of blood, paint thinners and a couple of stitches. The stitches were in Mikes head where her stiletto connected with him when he suggested leaving her lips like that.  That's doing it properly.

Which reminds me of the funniest story I ever read and I copy it here in totality because it is too good to precis.  There are loads of stories closer to home of a similar ilk but I have to beg permission from the ladies in question before I dare publish a word...

All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax. My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet." So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. 

It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!) 

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold wax," yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works! OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smoother skin extraordinaire. 

With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the one strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my *hoo-hoo* and stretching down the inside of my butt cheek (Yes, it was a long strop) I inhale deeply and brace myself...RRRIIIPPP!!!! 

I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!...OH MY GOD!!!!!!! Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP!!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP!! Everything is swirly and spotted. I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal. 

I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip! there's no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX??? 

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax. CRAP! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down. 

DANG!!!! I hear the slamming of a cell door. 

*Hoo-Hoo*?? sealed shut! 

Butt?? Sealed shut! 

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off! What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right??? WRONG!!!! 

I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to sterilize surgical equipment - I sit. Now, the only thing worse than having your inner regions glued together is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax. So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cement-epoxied myself to the porcelain!!! 

God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!! I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter - "So my butt and hoo-hoo are glued together to the bottom of the tub!" There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks of hoo-hoo?" She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH!!!! RIGHT!!! 

While we go through various solutions. I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counselling for this event. 

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace...the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!! 

The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend. Its' sooo painful, but I really don't care. IT WORKS!!!! It works!!! I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair... THE HAIR IS STILL THERE......ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!! 

So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point. Next week I'm going to try hair color.....

Screaming with laughter here. I want to be friends with this anonymous American woman. She will get on with all my other girlfriends. Have a happy weekend.