That is was, June. A dry month creatively but a very wet one emotionally. I have cried a river. I have cried all the tears I have in me and still there are more. And I have flu. Delightful.
I started processing the realities of my life as it now is and the realities my future. It all took me a bit by storm. I started processing the last few years and got hauled back into the horror of the years preceding those. I had one of those ghastly "look back at the whole bang shooting match" experiences where you come down on yourself like a ton of bricks and regret comes barging in like it does with no respect and no regard and no holds barred. And I beat myself up badly. So badly in fact that I berated myself into a funk. So June was a dry dry month.
However, being me, survivor that I am, I also took a firm grip of my own collar. Which is a step in the right direction.
The horrific dreams of bailiffs banging down the doors will stop and I will be able to see wood for trees.
Because the reality is that it is not all as dire as it could have been and it is not as ghastly as I think it is and that, if anyone is reading this, is the truth of any seemingly terrible situation. It is a resounding truth that where there is a will there is a way.
So here are some of the things I have learned in my dry month.
BE GRATEFUL
No matter how appalled I am and appalling the situation, there is always a long list of things to be grateful for. Some big, some pathetically small. I started a gratitude diary and I write it to God. And God is mighty and wonderful to me. In writing every day, in this gratitude diary, blessings have showered on me, totally unexpected blessings which are the best kind, and that in turn makes me more grateful and so on and so forth and so the wheel of the attitude of gratitude turns.
BE GIVING
It is so easy to be bogged down in my own misery, walking along plod plod plod looking at my own feet. The other day at the super-market, I lifted my head a little and saw a man on a bombed out typists chair. The legs of the chair had been sawn off and the seat was tied to a skateboard with a piece of rope. The man had no legs but the widest and brightest smile you could ever imagine. I was at the till and had just won a R20 note in some in-store promotion. I had to run let me tell you to catch up with the happy man on his home made wheelchair. I gave him the money looking right in his face. "I just won this" I said. "I want you to have it". "I am so lucky!" he said to me. "God bless you." And you know He does, daily. He blessed me with a fit and able body. And so back to my gratitude diary.
BE FORGIVING
It is also incredibly easy to blame the situation and circumstances on some other party. It lets me feel self pity and it lets me feel justified in feeling bummed and resentful. However, in my dry month I have looked at my part and what I allowed and didn't allow and said and didn't say and where my behaviour contributed to where we are now. And blaming everything squarely on someone else is not realistic or truthful anymore. I have to take my portion of it squarely on my shoulders. I discovered that when I did this, my first prayer to God was "Forgive me Father" and therein lies the crunch. How on earth can I expect forgiveness if I cannot first forgive? So the healing process of forgiveness starts first with me. To process and to forgive and to let go.
BE ASSURED
Now this is a fun one. Being bogged in it is easy. Being bogged in so deep that I can barely breathe and can't keep treading water. That drowning feeling is overwhelming. It would be so easy to let the waves close over my head and just give up. Problem is, that by giving up, I stay put. I would stay in this horrible place forever. I have to keep moving forward and in this comes the assurance. Look back. Looking back over my life I saw that there have been many times when I thought I was in an impossible situation, when my heart was broken or my finances were mangled or my life was too chaotic to manage. And I realised, I got through it. Every time. So I assure myself, minute by minute if necessary, that this time will pass and I will get through it if I just keep moving forward. On my desk is a great coffee coaster - it says "If you're going through hell, keep going". Wise words, sage advice.
BE KIND
This is a hard one because it involves an action that does not come naturally me to me; self love. But, in my dry month I have realised the value of being kind to myself. Taking care of the littlest things that I didn't really feel like doing much. Simple things like sorting through my wardrobe and making up new outfits. Giving myself a facial, a mani and a pedi. The big things too. Seeing my counsellor when things were closing in on me, talking my real feelings through with a trusted friend, being kind and gentle with my own heart. The upside of this kindness shown inwardly is that the patience I then as a consequence demonstrated outwardly, paid unexpected dividends. More people cared. Kindness was shown to me in the most unexpected ways. My chemist knocking more than half price off a scarf she thought would look gorgeous on me and brighten my day. She was right and she all but gave me the scarf and I know she is battling herself. Friends who rally around me despite the chaos in their own lives. And I feel better about myself knowing that I have taken time to feel better, comforted myself without indulging in the dross. Somehow having smooth shaven legs while having a good cry is so much better than a cry feeling manky and unkempt. By being kind to myself I build my self esteem in the subtlest of ways. From within.
BE FULL OF FAITH
This one for me is easier to embrace because I am a saved God server. I am not religious in any way but I do have a deep and meaningful, loving and assured personal relationship with God. And that for me is good. I have found that understanding faith when you are up to your eyeballs in the pit with alligators chomping around your ears is not always easy though. Faith is living by what is unseen. And if all you can see are the alligators, faith is a little tough to hang onto. However, I found in my dry month that faith moves mountains. Alligators or not, faith is the assurance that not everything is what it seems to be and that waiting on the other side is something new and different. God promises us that He has plans for us, plans to benefit and prosper us and never to do us harm. It is this assurance I hang onto and this assurance that feeds my faith that tomorrow will be different and better and not the same as today.
EASY DOES IT
Rome, as the saying goes, was not built in a day. And likewise, my situation is not going to change overnight no matter how desperately I want it to. The magic fairies are not going to sweep in and wave their magic wands. This is a one day at a time life we live. We have no control over tomorrow and we have no way of changing yesterday. All we have is today and each today comes with it's own set of circumstances and issues and pluses and minuses. In my dry month I have learned to take very deep breaths and just take things one step at a time, one day at a time, little by little. Suddenly the feeling of being overwhelmed leaves and I can cope. It's when I try and run at it like a bull at a gate that it all goes horribly wrong and I find myself drowning in a sea of anxiety and fear. So easy does it.
ELEPHANT STEW
Yes, put altogether, my circumstances are enormously overwhelmingly hugely frighteningly massive. However, to make an elephant stew, you start by cutting the elephant into bite size pieces. Try it any other way and there will never be either a pot big enough or an elephant small enough to make that stew. I found by breaking the whole sorry mess down into its parts, the mess is easier to work through. Bite size elephant. Each part can be dealt with individually and it's no longer so hard to work through.
WRITE IT ALL DOWN
I have also found that writing it all down works. Not the mess, but the solutions. Not the current scenario but the desired outcomes. This is part of the visualisation process, the part that we can be assured about and be faithful for. By writing it down, it keeps me focused, keeps me assured and keeps me faithful.
And it is incredible to see how, when combined with my gratitude diary, all the little blessings add up to the place I want to get to. Every today is so much better than yesterday and so it goes, step by step, little by little.
PRAY AND SURRENDER
I pray, all the time. And it is amazing the comfort that comes from this. My gratitude diary, acts of kindness, giving, even listening to music, in my heart us a prayer constantly. For me again, this is a simple thing and I realise it doesn't come to everyone as easily. However when I was a new Christian, still battling with concepts and bogged in childhood ideologies learned through religion, prayer for me was tough. Until I started acting "As If". I acted as if someone loving and kind was listening. I acted as if this loving entity knew all my hearts desires and all my pain and all my fear already. And prayer became easy. What is not so easy for me is surrender. Being a survivor means doing things my way and at my pace. Surrendering means leaving it to someone else to do at their pace and in their way. This is the trust relationship with God. In my dry month I am learning how to surrender my will and my way to God. I am acting again, "as if" and through assurance and through faith, trusting the outcomes to God. And God keeps on delivering.
Dry creatively, yes but far far from uneventful and a month of profound growth; profound highs and profound lows. I have learned so much and I am not where I was the month before or the month before that. My pain is still palpable but I am not so raw anymore, I am not so afraid and I am not so alone anymore. In all, a good month.
