Saturday, April 16, 2011

Loving Telkom

My Internet connection has been intermittent to non existent at home for almost a year now. A year. There are many and varied reasons for this and none of them, nary a one, involve non payment of an account. The problem started it seems when the line up the road was upset off the banana tree holding it up by a pack of adolescent monkeys, delinquent little sods, and the line was touching the ground in places. I phoned the technical faults department and was assured of a call out within 24 hours. So far so good. This was followed up with an SMS confirming the call out. "Wow", I think. The technician arrived at the house and Rosie Gogo informs me that she, yes the technician was a woman who can climb up ladders with power tools, respect, had been here and advised us that we needed a new modem.
"Did she look at the line lying in the bush Rosie?" I ask with amazement. Only to find that she hadn't.
What is incredible is that the technician would have to drive over this line in places to get to our house. How that translated to a burning need for a new modem I will never know.

I decide to phone the technical faults department and advise them that my modem is fine and once again explain that banana trees are not the most reliable alternatives for telephone poles. I pick up my phone and the line sounds like there is a swarm of rabid African fighting bees in mating season frolicking in the exchange. Plan B. I phone on my cell phone and while on the line to Telkom, they send me an SMS telling me that the fault on the line has been cleared. Clearly not. In fact the situation has deteriorated quite considerably.

The technician comes out again about a week later. Once again she fiddles in the little wall plug with her magic screwdriver and departs declaring the modem fine and the fault cleared. I come home a drive over the telephone line wondering why in the name of all things holy the technician even bothered.
I pick up my phone line. Incredibly, as I wait for my call (that is important to Telkom, please stay on the line) to be answered I notice that the red light on the modem has gone green. Quick as a flash I log onto my email and whaddayaknow I have an internet connection. I report the line on the road, again, in a very good mood (because I am multitasking and browsing FaceBook) and hang up. Lo and behold, no sooner do I end the call than the modem drops.

Now being a bit of a MacGyver this intrigues me no end. I discover after a few experimental phone calls, that if I phone my cell phone from my land line and whistle a little tune, the modem comes to life. Result! I have a short term solution. The following morning, I phone Telkom again and report this phenomenon. They didn't seem that impressed or bothered and said a technician would be out.

Fast forward another fortnight and while slaving away at the office I get a phone call from the Telkom technician, this time a chap, who tells me he is at my house and could I please explain the issues to him. "well, did you drive over the line as you approached my house?" I ask him to which he replies in the affirmative. "Do you still need me to explain what the problem is or is it now reasonably obvious to you?" I ask. He again, very tersely asks me what the issue is.

"Wander down the drive and have a look at whats holding my telephone line up," I reply. He says he will phone me back. Which he never does. I get home that evening and drive over the lines with a rising sense of outrage. I also discover that my whistling trick only works if there is no wind and no rain. I am once again marooned in the bush with no internet.

The next morning I take my trusty Blackberry and photograph the line. I get to work and email the head of the Port Shepstone Business unit at Telkom with the evidence of the failed banana poles. I write a suitably terse diatribe. I additionally report the line fault, again, by phone.

Fast forward a fortnight. I get an email from this business unit bloke saying how desperately unacceptable the situation is and to stand by for a technician. The lady and her power tools return. Rosie Gogo phones me to tell me that she gave the nice lady tea and a peanut butter sandwich but that the technician says we need a new modem. "Did she put the line back on the poles Rosie?" I ask hopefully to which Rosie responds that she didn't.

I get home that evening and discover that the bees have returned to the exchange but they obviously have learned to whistle because the modem is up. I use this opportunity to Google for every senior management email at Telkom that I can find. I email everyone and attach pictures.

Fast forward another two weeks and I get a frantic call from Rosie Gogo to say there are tree fellers in our road. I rush home. Lo and behold it is Telkom, dropping banana trees by the dozen. And a technician up the pole with a pair of pliers reattaching the lines. I almost weep with gratitude. That is until I discover that the line at home is now dead and no amount of whistling will resurrect the damn thing.

I report the line fault. Over and over. Like that movie Groundhog Day. I have been on the phone to Telkom so often that I have even composed lyrics to the brain numbing on-hold tune. They are good lyrics. My line and internet however are still about as temperamental as a crack addict in detox. I have discovered that whistling the on-hold tune from Telkom gives me enough time online to check email and update my Facebook status but precious little else. I still cannot make phone calls where people actually speak to each other.

This weekend I discovered to my delight that I have an internet connection. It's intermittent, but its enough to read the Blog and write something. And on Monday I will be phoning Telkom again. If only to wish them a happy anniversary. And whistle a little tune.